I am a racist...Are you?

I have failed my Black family and friends. I have failed them and I am ashamed.

I am Asian American. The daughter of an immigrant father and a mother who grew up poor with an abusive, alcoholic father in rural West Virginia My oldest brother, a brilliant pre med student at West Virginia University, would have ended up in prison if he had not been shot and killed by police after robbing a convenience store at gunpoint at the age of twenty-one.

And yet, I have led a privileged life. Privilege comes in many forms. Some we work hard for while others we are born into. Some privileges are obvious, some are not. I was born into a family with financial stability; I am heterosexual; I am able-bodied; my family valued education and as such I was afforded a higher education; I am cisgender; I am a citizen of the country that I live in, just to name a few. I'll be honest, it wasn't an easy inventory to take when I realized that my privilege comes from someone else's disadvantage.

I am 51 years old, born and raised in a small idyllic town in wild, wonderful West Virginia. I also grew up blind to the system I was born into. I have not to my knowledge and more than likely my ignorance, encountered racism and just plain cruelty the way I have recently.

A few months ago while engaged in seemingly pleasant conversation with an acquaintance it quickly and unexpectedly turned into a racist rant. In a nutshell, she explained “Black privilege” to me and expounded that “they” are just too lazy to take advantage of their privilege. Her “Black friend” worked hard, is a professional and all Black people have these same opportunities. I politely walked away from the conversation, seething but having no idea how to respond.

Later that same week, a man, whom I had only met once before, finally broke me. The conversation turned to my home state of West Virginia. I’ve become accustomed to the West Virginia jokes about marrying my sibling and I shamefully admit that I have made similar jokes. He inquired if I had ever been to the Greenbrier Hotel in Lewisburg, WV, known as America’s Resort. For those who haven’t had the pleasure of visiting this national, historic landmark nestled in the Allegheny mountains, it is magnificent. Guests have included 27 presidents and countless royalty and celebrities . He too, had been impressed by its grandeur and beauty. However, his next comment stopped me in my tracks. “It is such a great place because the Blacks don’t know they’ve been emancipated.”

I sat shocked , unable to move; my mouth incapable of making a sound. As the anger inflamed from within, I felt the swelling of the tears. Seconds later my sympathetic nervous system kicked in and I was left with two choices; I could either go in for an emotional, messy battle or I could flee. I chose to flee and I have never been more disappointed in myself than I was in that moment and in the days that followed.

Aren’t I woke? Don’t I stand up for the rights of oppressed people? Don’t I fight for my Black family and friends? The answers shocked me because the painful answer was “obviously not enough”.

I think there are many of us who find ourselves in these uncomfortable situations and we tend to shake it off as “they’re just an asshole” or worse, we make excuses for and ignore their behavior. The reality is when we choose not to confront, when we choose to ignore, we are complicit and contribute to systemic racism and the continuation of oppression.

Days later I was still brought to tears when I thought about this man’s overt racism but also from my inability to stand up to him. So I did what I always do when I feel helpless and powerless. I picked up a book, So you want to talk about race by Ijeoma Oluo . I read and I processed and I read some more until I felt a little more educated and a lot more empowered.

I know this journey of challenging my own racism and my own contribution to systemic racism and oppression has been tough. I’ve had to confront some unbeautiful truths about myself but I have made a conscious choice to stop contributing to the problem. One such truth being that it took these very apparent examples of racism and the recent violent actions to enrage me, not the insidious microaggressions that have been happening every day right under my nose.

“Conversations about race and racial oppression can certainly be tough. But that’s nothing compared to how tough fighting against racial oppression can be..... But if you live in this system of White Supremacy you are either fighting the system, or you are complicit. There is no neutrality to be had towards systems of injustice. It is not something you can just opt out of. If you believe in justice and inequality we are in this together”. (Excerpt from So you want to talk about race by Ijeoma Oluo).

I am making a choice to be in this together. I hope that you will consider joining me. Even if the first step is confronting your own racism. Racism is not only about hate but about the ignorance that perpetuates systemic racism and oppression. I challenge you to stop thinking that being a racist is pejorative or a permanent state of being and start looking at it as an opportunity for growth not just for you but for humanity.

I know that this is only the first step in my journey. I imagine that I will have some missteps along the way. I recognize that having a better understanding of racial injustices does not equate to taking action to effect change. To be honest, I'm not really sure where to go from here but I know that staying silent and doing nothing is no longer an option. I have struggled with writing this blog as I fear there will be those who I love and value that won't understand; I fear I will inadvertently hurt people that I care about. But this is my first action and I cannot fear the opportunity to do better.

If by reading this blog you are moved to learn more and do more I encourage you to start making small changes such as voting local, support POC owned businesses, give money to organizations that fight racial oppression and support people of color, vote for diverse government representatives. Let's be in this together.